Two days ago, me and my two best friends went to Powell's Books. For those of you unfamiliar with the store, Powell's is the largest independent bookstore in the world. It's located in Portland, Oregon, but has a few smaller branches throughout the Greater Portland area.

My friends, one guy and one girl, both have a thing for one-another. They spent a good time snuggling in a few corners of the store, myself becoming engrossed with the energy of the store. About a day or two before the Powell's Run, I was fighting with various situations involving my frame of mind.

One of those situations was/is how I frequently slip in and out of daydreams. This happens when I'm prompted by things I don't feel are necessarily worth my time at the moment, as if I have a sort of higher calling I need to attend to first. This usually means I put aside reading stories online, looking at pictures, watching movies, and so on and spend time looking at lists. The lists are usually of academic disciplines, career ideas, skills, and several other occupation-based categories. I spend time trying to find that which is...well...'it.' That which will make me feel fulfilled.

Just to note right now, after rewriting this a few times and only now noticing, I have a cold and it's screwing with my ability to present ideas in an engaging sort of way. Just a note.

I keep looking for the thing that'll make me feel like I actually matter. Having self-esteem issues, I've always doubted the usefulness of the skills I possess. Writing, philosophical argumentation, improvised humour, and a generous, helping, counseling nature aren't incredibly practical skills. Writing and a sense of humour can take you a good distance when you know how to use it, but that's where my situation comes into play: I can't sit and write. Journaling seems to be the only form of writing I can indulge in, and even that is under threat of getting shoved under the rug.

I can't write for fun because of both my OCD and need to search for that which will make me feel whole...

Fucking hell, this cold is driving me nuts. I can't complete my thoughts, it's irritating. *strangles the rhinovirus*

Okay, I've sorta lost my thought a bit. Basically, I want to have my day in the sun. Before the Powell's Run, (and yes, there is a point to mentioning Powell's, I'm getting to that), it dawned on me (actually I realized this awhile back, but it was on my mind before the trip) that I am not meant to be one of those guys who gets stupidly popular from a Youtube video where I'm kicked in the nuts or something. Just don't have that kind of drive in my life. I realized though, that I'm set more for a life of academics. I enjoy learning and that seems to be where I excel. My time in the sun will come through my education and future job, that's where I need to focus.

I tried to force myself into learning things for the sake of feeling like I had to. This stems mostly from my visits with psychics. It's not necessarily their faults that I feel my life has been ruined to some extent, it is I who takes everything they say so critically that I drive myself into a hole of paranoia and longing. I started searching through every subject known to man, fearing that if I didn't, I'd miss what several psychics had told me would bring me fortune in my life (both social and material).

But I found out, after talking to two psychics about it, that you can't try and force your future like that, it actually may ruin it. So, I looked at myself for awhile and tried to figure out what it was that /I/ wanted to do, not what I thought psychics or supernatural forces wanted me to do. Hell, for all I know, I'm suppose to be a businessman and promote underwater basket weaving, which is the key to our Salvation and will bring peace to the entire world.

Yeaaah....No.

After a couple minutes, I figured out I liked writing. I like reading. I like hanging out with my friends and I like school. Pretty simple, really. I like driving as well, maybe I'll practice that more. Bookstores are awesome, maybe I'll hit them up more often. I like learning about people, hearing their concerns, and offering advice, I should talk with more people on the phone. I've taken more of an interest in religion and philosophy lately, the guy friend I've been referring to is dealing with spiritual concerns and so I've made him one of my top priorities in terms of counseling.

Socrates is an interesting fellow. He had a method he used (now aptly named the 'Socratic Method' when he engaged someone in philosophical debate. He basically just continued questioning a person, making them think harder for their answers. Through this, I've actually discovered a frightening thing about people: A majority of them can't give a more in-depth reason for why they believe in their religion/spirituality, beyond "It feels right to me." Problem with that answer is that a good portion of that majority have a 'I'm right, you're wrong' attitude. If I don't sense that sort of attitude about a person, I won't question them further and say "Sounds good to me." But it's people who become slightly condescending about others' belief systems that I ask something like "Alright. Take this for a moment: Most people feel their beliefs are the way the world works, not other people's. What makes your feelings more valid than, say, a 50-year old Muslim who has been studying the Qur'an since he was three, and teaches comparative religion at a university? Or even my own beliefs?"

This question, which I have prompted to a few people, never seems to get much of an answer beyond the ones I've already stated. To note, I'm not trying to be vindictive, though I realize I come off this way. I am still working out how to present my argument without it sounding as such.

So, back to Barnes & Noble: When we got to the store, I found myself giddy with delight. I love the energy within bookstores, full of knowledge and intellectuality. The coffeehouse image associated with bookstores is pleasant, it's a place where fellow intellectuals may simply sit and discuss, debate, or argue, which happens to happen. It's just...*sighs happily*

When I got to Powell's, I damn near shit myself. The two lovebirds sat in a corner snuggling and I went back and forth amongst the aisles, becoming engrossed in the smell and feel of the books. The beauty of the world, stashed away within tree pulp and ink. Gotta love it.

Okay...losing my train of thought. I don't even known how to describe what happened to me while I was at Powell's. I was just so happy with all the possibilities at my fingertips, it was all wonderful. Powell's sales clerks all have bachelor's and master's degrees in the fields of the sections they clerk, making for great help when you're trying to find something specific. Gah, so awesome.

Found quite a few things I like, I guess. Still feeling out of whack with the world, those psychics really screwed me up something fierce. But nonetheless, it wasn't all their fault, it was my own for the most part. I find it so hard though to break the train of thought I've built up with that, always wondering "If I do this, will I screw everything up for my future? Is she the girl I'm suppose to marry? Got to ask her out just to be sure I don't miss my chance..."

I've been pretty stupid for the last two years over this. But that train of thought is getting pushed aside, it isn't affecting me nearly as much anymore. I'm not saying that psychics are unreliable and bad, they aren't. They're human like everyone else, and they are learning their lessons just like you and me. They are learning themselves how to use their powers, how to use them responsibly, and going through their own life's trials and tribulations. Psychic abilities can be used for good and evil, just like science can be.

My most recent psychic reading was an interesting one. She basically opened up her eyes and was unblinking for the whole fifteen minutes that I had paid for. She was within half a foot from my face practically, which made me uncomfortable as hell, to say the least. When I had that reading, I was going through that skills crisis I mentioned earlier, trying to read as much as possible to try and discover skills and knowledge that would actually make me 'useful.' This actually brought me to the point where I wasn't using my natural ability to read people as much, I tried looking for forensic evidence of people's emotions. Twitch of an eyebrow, closing their arms, tone of voice, and so on.

I tried looking for signs that told me the psychic was putting on a show, I didn't realize people could hold their eyes open that long. Hell, I don't even remember her shifting them back while watching me. I tried to see her at least /twitch/, to find /some/ sign that she was a hoax.

To have this next part make sense, I'll say this bluntly: I never actually studied like that before. I just studied things I found of interest, never deliberately sought out things for reasons beyond simple interest. That time before my reading, I was studying frantically to make sure I had all the bases covered, to make sure my future was secure. But I just ended up panicking myself, becoming frightened that what I was doing wasn't enough.

The psychic told me I can't be doing that, it actually turns out to be counterproductive. What better way to guide humanity spiritually than by the most basic law I know of in psychology:

Law of Effect: In a given situation, a response followed by a satisfying consequence will become more likely to occur and a response followed by an annoying consequence will become less likely to occur.

I know I'm steering off track a lot, but I need to talk about this stuff. To prove my point, if someone finds whitewater rafting enjoyable, there's a pretty damn good possibility that they're going to go do it again. If that same person found mathematics absolutely anguishing, after high school and college, do you think they'll ever pursue it as a career choice?

I was studying things I had no interest in or such a vague interest in that I was burning myself out on it trying to absorb it. I was countering the Law of Effect because I was afraid for my future, steering me off my life's path.

So...

Yeah.

What I basically just at this very moment realized is people are guided through their interests. I ignored my own interests, not realizing that I'd only be good in things I actually felt I was good at, which is usually stuff people spend most of their time doing and are most absorbed by. To me, this is reading and studying stuff I /do/ find interesting, such as philosophy and psychology.

*Is finding himself smiling, satisfied with himself*

Another piece of the puzzle has been solved. God I'm good. : P

Anywho, yes, back to the psychic. I sadly don't remember her exact words, we couldn't record the session because her recorder was broken. What I remember though was this:

"Markus, you possess a great deal of intellectual ability, but that's not where you're meant to go." I remember her talking about the heart, how I'm suppose to be using that more. She said I was in-tune with my intuition, I possessed the unique gift of self-guidance. I also could receive /and/ send (head out of the gutter, you two : P ), but I sadly don't know what she was talking about. Send and receive what? I /believe/ she was referring to my empathic abilities, but I also remember her mentioning something about astral energy. *sighs, shaking his head* Maybe I can ask her at the next convention, if she's there.

Anywho. Here's the creepiest part of all:

I hate having people knowing what I'm thinking. Unless I purposefully make my thoughts known, anyone who is able to discern my current feelings and thoughts make me paranoid. Doesn't have to be a psychic, it can be someone like myself who is really good at guessing other people's thoughts and feelings.

When I was looking into that psychic's eyes, trying to figure out whether or not this was all a joke, I tried to be discreet as possible by not darting my eyes all over trying to look for signs. I was making obvious signs of discomfort from her proximity, through my stiff shoulders and leaning away, but beyond that, I can say with confidence I was subtle while analyzing her.

"Markus," she started, looking into my eyes with that unblinking gaze. "You are not meant for that and you're still using it. You're using it right now."

This puzzled me. I started wondering about something, I don't remember what. But then I started looking again.

"There, you just did it again."

I became rigid. Could she...really tell when I was switching between intuition and forensics?

"There it is again. I'm tracking your energy right now."

That was it, I was scared shitless. I was either /way/ too confident in my abilities, she was way too experienced at this, or she really was psychic. I'm betting on the later two.

From there, I started easing up around her for some reason. Maybe it was because I expected a psychic to know things about me. Who knows.

My thoughts are slipping from me...

Ah, right.

She talked about how if I continued down that path, I might lose that natural sense of self-guidance, and it would be years before I rediscovered it again. I've felt like I really have lost that over the last two months, but I can't be sure. All I know is, I'm learning...things will be okay. I'll survive.

Damn it, what was my thought? *groans and strangles The Rhino again*

Maybe I should just wrap this up now. Overall, my interests now are my priority. Got to rediscover some things about myself.

Thank you everyone, for helping me when I asked.

Salaam.

P.S. Ah, now I remember my thought. Once the reading was over, that psychic actually began glancing between my eyes and her pupil size actually shifted with interest like what normal people's eyes do. Just a note. I wonder if she's aware of that change.