I had this whole big thing about last night and today, what happened, my thoughts, etc. etc. But I've come upon an issue in my life that I'm going to talk about.

Back in my earlier years (birth-seventh grade), I never had a real friend. I had friends-of-convenience every once and a great while, but they never panned out for much more than a few months at a time.

When I got into the eighth grade, the crowd I usually hung out with seemed to gather around me more and I was a little more popular. Had my first real date and started feeling better about my overall way of life.

My freshman year was an odd one. I never really believed that my high school/teenage years would be the best years of my life, though I imagined seniorhood being quite epic in its own way. I met my best friend around that time, Jess, whom I believe I have mentioned earlier in these postings.

Me and Jess didn't really hang out during school hours, we had conflicting schedules so we just talked online most of the time, except in P.E. She became my first real friend in life, someone I could count on and rely on, who acted more like a mother/sister to me than just a girl I hung out with once in a great while.

I am one of the neediest people I know sometimes. All human beings think they're /thee/ something. Thee most depressed. "Yeah, I get them too. But mine are like, wow, /intense/..." This results from humanity not being telepathic or empathic in general and not being able to see things from other people's views, seeing things from their perspectives.

Since you can't get an idea as to how others feel most of the time, and you've only experienced one side, /your/ side, you generally begin to think your emotions are far more intense than with other people's. Since you have no scale in which to measure with other people, except clinically depressed people who you know have it much harder than you but still feel you're pretty damn high on the totem pole and someone would /have/ to be to that extent in order to beat you in the depression... Our emotionless society makes this prevalent. Since a lot of people don't express their feelings or emotions to a wide range of people, people feel that there are only a few cases in which some people have any sort of depression at all that can even remotely match yours, /then/ it gets competitive.

Who knows why people compete over something like "No, MY depression is /horrible. Don't you even /TRY/ to say you know how it is to be me." My theory is that it stems from people having a natural tendency to keep themselves alive, with situations like whose pain is worse and who should get treatment soonest.
"My ARM is broken!"
"My LEG is broken!"
"Mine hurts worse!"
"Bullshit!"
*cripple fight*

So then they just go on and on about who is feeling worse, and the arguing over whose depression is worse thing might just be a variation of that situation, a natural tendency to be on top when it comes to decide who is in need of more, feeling justified I guess.

Okay, so moving back to the friends thing. I slowly became more and more popular and school went on. Developed a larger group of acquaintances and friends-of-convenience, while Jess moved and we just continued to talk online. Still do.

At the beginning of the school year, Jess and Katy ended up dating, then broke up and me and Katy dated. We fell in love, were together for awhile, but distance and work became issues and we broke it off, since her internship, job, and classes were going to keep her from having any sort of social life until at /least/ June. It would've been too hard to keep up a long-distance relationship, we just knew we wouldn't like that kind of life. We broke it off and remained friends afterwards, a peaceful ending to a great thing.

Lately, since about January, I've noticed a steady decline in my connections with people. Other than Jess and my current apprentice, I haven't had anyone I'd call a friend there. My area just has too many people into things I'm not into and my personality seems to be so eccentric to other people that I simply just don't relate well, though I do talk with many people and get along with them.

My internet use has been limited more and more to MSN Messenger, StumbleUpon, Wikipedia, and DA as of late. I don't hang around forums like I used too, I've been sub-consciously detaching myself from role-playing, so I've naturally been staying away from forums since I've only gone to role-play forums during my career as an internet geek.

Consequently, my limited internet usage has caused my connections to people online to falter as well. I have forty-three contacts on MSN Messenger. Thirty-three of them are on my blocked list and haven't deleted me as well so I can permanently delete them. Among the last ten contacts, seven of them and I simply do not talk anymore. The last three are people I've come to consider very close to me and talk to on a daily basis.

The demographics of my relationships right now are rather depressing to me. Thinking on this matter...three of my only friends are online, there's my apprentice, a guy I talk to infrequently that I actually /did/ have as a sort of best friend from eighth grade on to sophomore year, and a girl I've known for the last four years but haven't gotten close to because she kind of scares me a bit.

Those are the only people I actually enjoy talking to on a regular basis. I find it sad that I have so few friends (six) in my life, and I feel I'll be one or two soon.

Me and the guy friend I have seem to pick it up like old war buddies every time we see each other. We can hang out for a bit, but ultimately, we do have our own interests we need to take care of, and part almost as soon as the meeting happened. He's one of those friends I can see coming across the world to help you if you need it, but that might be one of the rare times you do see him. He's a good guy. I wish the best for him.

The girl might be someone I talk to at college. She lives in the same city as I do, she plans to go to the same college as me as well. She's a good person, too. She is funny and nice, and compliments me often and does have a crush on me. Her style of humour is kind of tart and dry, not unlike my own. I guess when I said she scared me, I was alluding to her being intimidating. She has a vast amount of knowledge and falls into that issue I have about viewing people in a specific field and not looking at all their angles to see that they're not perfect. She also has a more go-at-it will than I do, just do it mentality. I function off my anxiety most of the time when I do something, so her personality conflicts with my own once and awhile. But she is a great human being and I admire her at times anyway. Maybe I'll see past that intimidation and me and her will become best friends in college. Who knows.

I have a friend up in Canada who I love dearly. She is one of the sweetest, generous, kindest, smartest girls I've ever met. And she's beautiful to boot. Most people agree that she'd make a great doctor some day and I'm urging her towards that in my own way ("BRAIN SURGEON. NOW." "No! oo; " "*tackles*" ). I wish the absolute best for her in life and actually hope she comes down to the United States and lives near me. I'd enjoy it immensely to just hang around with her, she gives off this positive energy you can't help but love. Much peace and love to you in your life, my friend.

I have three other friends, Jess, my apprentice, and Dark Link who has posted a few comments in my journal in the past. I won't get into descriptions about them because I think I'd make them either burst from blushing and laughter, kill me out right with a crowbar, or go "Eh..what?" I'll show them I love them in my own way (Muwahaha...).

I'll probably lose contact with a few once I graduate and move out, but college is a new experience and freshman year is always full of people testing the waters in dating and there are a load of new people to meet, so maybe I'll make a couple new friends.

I love you all my friends.

Peace.