I'm entering a very interesting period in my life. I've always told people I'm changing. Indeed, personalities rarely seem to have any sort of permanence to them and cells in our bodies are dying off every second and being remade the next. What I'm referring to is the former, the personality.

In the last year, I've discover a massive new skill set I thought previously untouchable: Psychoanalysis. Before December of 2008, I believed I was already in possession of this talent. As it turned out, I was using something I call 'dramanalysis,' as in 'drama - analysis.' I spent most of my life before I was fifteen sitting in front of my television or on the computer, since I had no friends at that time I really wanted to hang out with or even called friends in the first place. Having watched more "Boy Meets World" episodes than I have hung out with real people, I drew my conclusions as to what normal human behavior was like from Cory and Shawn's little antics.

This was a bad idea, as you might be able to imagine. When I was at school, I began to stereotype people, without logical reason, as to what they would do in a situation. I based everything on the context, I think, though that term doesn't sound right for this explanation. I didn't observe any behavior, I went to the conclusion phase of my 'analysis,' such as what seemed /right/ for the situation. Walking down the hall myself, if I tried to feign superiority, maybe I'd end up in a gunfight at the end of the hall and everyone would 'Oooh' and 'Ahhh' me for my gunmanship and getting of the girl. When I saw footage of the Columbine Shooting, it became a regular daydream to be caught in the cross-fire of a pair of machine guns and to use some telekinetic force I would discover deep inside of me at my moment of greatest need, then fling the two gunman out of the windows. Actually, let's look at the use of that force. No, I'm not talking about 'The Force,' I'm referring to the use of external means to hold sway over others.

Ever since I was little, from as far back as my earliest memory of lying on my back with a bottle in my mouth while my mom corralled older kids for snack time, I've felt above people. Not in the sense that I was better, but that I held a purpose above the average individual. I was/am meant for something. This has always made me identify with the heroes of stories, as having some hidden force, talent, knowledge, /something/, that set/s me apart from everyone else.

There's a social psychological concept on this called the 'Holier-than-Thou' cognitive bias. It's when you may or may not feel like you don't do wrong, you understand you can or do make mistakes, but feel you will do the right thing in the future all the time. Yes, you'll get up if a pregnant lady comes on board the bus and wants a seat. You'll even be the first up, whether or not there's an entire row available! But when it actually happens, you might kind of wait and see if someone else will get up instead, then rationalize why you didn't get up to make yourself feel better about it. That's called cognitive dissonance - doing something contrary to what you believe yourself to be or would do, resulting in mixed feelings about who you are, and then most often going with whatever answer will keep to your view of yourself.

Moving on.

I've felt that before. Being able to describe the pregnant lady scenario is due to just such a situation having happened to me a few weeks before I got my license. I can understand the difference between the HtTCB and this sense of...destiny, I have and am experiencing. I feel I'm meant for something great.

I do /feel/ great right now. I feel intelligent and happy with all the new friends, skills, and privileges I've gained over the last couple years. Earlier today though, I spent a lot of time writing in my notepad of ideas how I felt Social/Personality Psychology was way too far out of my reach. Of all the graduate programs available within psychology, P/SP has the lowest acceptance rating - 0.8, with (don't quote me) Clinical being roughly 38.0. I've read a bit of material on how the application process is rigorous, P/SP being the most popular field of all the sub-disciplines within psychology.

I don't know if I'm ready to handle such a thing, to actually go for my dream of being a major contributor to society, like Carl Jung or Albert Einstein. To develop a personality theory that rocks people's socks off, to discover a social phenomenon that breaks barriers and ends strife for a group or two. To simply be...respected, by people I admire and wish to be equals with, to no longer feel I am smart in a useless way.

That force, my sense of destiny, translates into that presence of uselessness. I feel I have this strength in one particular knowledge but no one will accept because it seems to not be of use. Psychology is viewed in many different lights, the main one sadly being that it is unreliable. I agree at times, it sometimes (or even often times) can't be. I've trusted, however, in the idea that if you have enough passion for a subject, have found enough worth in the knowledge, enough similarity to your own personality, that you can make it flourish if there is not an overwhelming amount of a force against you (money being one of the many forces that can turn you on your head)

I'm going to shoot for P/SP. I have no other choice on the matter - it's what I want to do with my life. And to fulfill my OCD tendencies, I'm going to list why I'm not going into the other fields:

Abnormal/Clinical Psychology: Feels kind of generic, actually. It seems like I'd be fitting the social standard of what a Psychology major should be doing with their degrees; helping cure diseases and other mental problems. Besides that, A/C's association with Psychiatry turns me off a lot. I don't like the biological aspect of it, nor the seemingly one-track mind of the profession to use drugs on everything. Don't feel like memorizing chemical formulas, neither.

Psychodynamic/Counseling Psychology: Kind of lacking in respect within the psychological community. While there are still a few programs left within the United States, the only one of interest being a Jungian Analyst program at Sonoma State University, I don't think I would get the training I would be looking for. The psychodynamic approach is better for actually /curing/ problems (drugs are just meant to rid us of our symptoms so we can continue on with our day, they most often don't cure anything) than psychiatry is, but I think if I went the talker's route, I'd become a philosophical counselor. Another point to make, about both A/C, PSY-D, and Counseling, is I don't think I want to deal with people each day. It's nice to help people out with their problems, but I'd get frustrated too often with people not doing the exercises I give them, them not knowing themselves well enough to say something other than "I don't know, a little of both, I guess..." and dealing with mentally dysfunctional people (the kinds of people who may never be cured. I think I would grow to hate myself really quickly because I wouldn't fulfill my expectations of being a great something-or-other).

Biological Psychology: Just doesn't sound like my thing. /Too/ science-y. Seems like I'm reducing people to neurons and molecules, not people. Neuroscience kind of falls into this as well. Evolutionary psychology, while interesting, doesn't seem like a very sound discipline and not as useful as many of the others. More pure science than applied. Health Psychology is too biology based, too. To throw one more in here, comparative psychology (animal research used to deduce behavior about humans) would be too cruel for me to be involved with, nor very interesting.

Cognitive Psychology: Seems like we're talking about robots. The topics aren't really that interesting to me, neither.

Community Psychology: Portland State University's Social Psychology program is listed as Social/Community Psychology, meaning you perform social research to help improve communities. I honestly don't know if I'd like this or not, but if I don't end up in a graduate program for P/SP, I'll settle with PSU's program. Maybe I would do good as a community psychologist...who knows, I think I'm trying to rationalize settling for PSU and not dealing with all these other programs.

Developmental Psychology: I don't feel it's as exciting as Social is. I also don't think I want to deal with kids all day, nor watch the hair in old people's noses grow. Middle-Adult populations have been over-studied, making my interest in this field kind of minimal. The most interesting question I can find in this field would be to figure out how a personality can change over the course of a lifetime. Would live to see the end of that one. : P

Ecological/Environmental Psychology: The study of how humans perceive the environment and how to rally support for it. I honestly don't feel this degree is a very genuine one, nor useful. Probably in some regards, but it feels like there's too much of an agenda attached to it. Not to sound condescending, but my interest to it is like "What's the point?"

Educational Psychology: I guess having never felt my schooling really helped my education, always being bored in class and such, this field doesn't strike me as particularly of potency, though I am well-aware it has made major contributions to Psychology and society in general.

Experimental Psychology: Now this I would actually consider. These kinds of psychologists sort of have dominance over all others; they are extremely generalized. I could study anything I want, but the graduate school seems like it would be arduous and skeletal - no substance. Also, more of a biological/too science-y a base usually.

Forensic Psychology: When the law meets psychology. Deducing whether or not eyewitness testimony is reliable, who would be useful on a jury, studying behavior within a prison...you know, that actually sounds kind of fun, now that I am describing it... Criminology sounds good, too. Crossover of FP, Criminology, and P/SP, maybe? Muwahaha...hehe.

Political/Psychometric/Sport Psychologies: No interest in the mathematical, political or sports aspects of most things, I think/believe.

School Psychology: A bit of a professional test-giver to evaluate the intellectual and affective capacities of school-aged children, who then goes on to make suggestions for their education and gives referrals to doctors for possible disabilities expressed through the tests. *shrugs* No interest in being that.

Transpersonal Psychology: This last one is rather interesting. It's about the spiritual dimension of human experience, such as consciousness and near-death experiences. I would've gone into this field had I not known how New Age it has become. The rather limited respect it has gotten due to the New Age Movement's involvement in it also played a factor in it. I want to feel welcomed anywhere, not just within my own circles.

The orientation I know I would/will take will be Humanistic, in opposition to being a Behaviorist or Psychodynamicist (strict definition). Most likely I'll become eclectic like most psychologists are these days, but we'll have to see about that one.

So to go back to my subject on the use of force: Every time I visualize a scenario where I'm confronting someone who is crossing the line in terms of hostility, such as me standing up for someone who is getting metaphorically beat on, I always imagine a fight. Not just a fist fight, but it goes on to us using weapons, such as me smoothly drawing a gun or pulling out a sword and making dramatics swipes with it. I've come to believe that the weaponry is symbolic of my lack of faith in myself, of my perceived inability to handle situations without some given means of control. I seem to not believe I am capable of being in control of a situation through the use of my wit alone. Now that is low self-esteem.

I want to perfect the art of developing self-efficacy, a person's beliefs about their capabilities of doing things. If you don't believe you will do very good on a test, than more than likely you probably won't past that test. Not a very productive or useful mindset, is it? Well, think about this: A lot of the people I have talked to say being angry at themselves or being condescending ("You stupid moron, do it right!") helps them get motivated into doing something. From what I have come to conclude, though I have no evidence to really support this - No, it doesn't. Not only do you distract yourself with the very act of trying to tell yourself you're a moron, you waste energy being angry when you could instead calm down and use your attention for better things, like trying to solve your situation. Also, being angry in general can cause you to make more mistakes.

Stop being afraid of making a mistake.

Relax, you can breathe, you don't need permission.

What can you do to resolve the situation? What is keeping the situation from proceeding in a productive manner?

Anyway, okay. I'm done with that. I feel like a self-help book. Meh, bleh. : P Hehe. Nah, I actually think I liked writing that...hmm...

I need a degree, damn it. *sighs*

But in what!? AHHH! *runs around in circles unproductively, though someone might argue that I could sell the new moat I just carved out...* Glass half-full? Give me a refill, already! lol Okay, anyway...

Carpe diem, everyone. Best of wishes to you all and may you all enjoy your lives the best ways you can, to the the best of your abilities.

Peace.